FYI:

I am bi-Polar and can’t type as quick as my mind thinks. And I really fucking hate proof reading !! So I may jump around from thought to thought but eventually it will make sense. So brag something (your choice) to hype you up so you can keep up. And bring tissues.

Continue reading at your own discretion.

I’m not sure when I started this blog. Before or after Co-vid. Co-Vid almost killed me, not literally, emotionally. After 7 years in a manipulative relationship I just kicked him to the curb. Sent him on vaca and moved all his stuff into the carport and told him to come and get it. Cruel, yes I know, but I knew he would manipulate me into letting him stay out of guilt. he wouldn’t have anywhere to go unless forced. he would’ve stayed and and not looked. i just put up with his laziness, insecurity, aggression, lying (he was chatting with women during Covid quarantine on Insta) then lying to me about it. He told me i was the BIGGEST woman he had ever dated, My boobs were to saggy, i was to emotional, kept track of my eating, not wanting to work, everyone else was wrong and he was always the victim. That is one thing i dont play, the victim. I feel sorry for myself occasionally but try to stay positive for everyone. During this time my support emotions were bled dry. i didn’t have anymore to give anyone else especially myself. I was done. Once alone and in my newly renovated house (which happened during quarantine after afterwards) i wasn’t lonely for the first year. And proud of it bc everyone (including my long time therapist) didn’t believe i would make it. SB: it is funny how you can do something you never thought you could when you are put in a situation that calls for ‘self preservation’. After the first year loneliness started. not for him but just for human contact on a regular basis. omg, a whole new area of therapy began. a couple of things i am learning is: its ok to be unhappy, lonely, unknowing of the future (ie controlling my future) and how to be alone with myself. SB: there is no one to blame for bad decisions, mistakes or problems when its just me. talk about accepting responsibilities for your actions. Then you enter a whole new realm of realization of yourself. You have to face yourself. learn to accept your flaws. it fucking sucks! its scary! its sad! its eye opening! its funny! its sad! i fucking hate it. i constantly felt out of control which i dont like AT ALL !!!!

Ive always said that you feel on top of the world like you ‘GOT THIS’ so to speak and feeling pretty sure of yourself then comes along our higher power and pulls the ladder out from under us. We crash to the ground. we are humbled and start the climb all over again. I honestly think that is the way it will be for the rest of my life and it should be. its like learning something every time. which makes us human and humble.