Uncertainty

so the last few weeks have been rough for me. I have been slightly depressed on and off. not bed depressed but lying on the couch lazy depressed. my therapist says it is ok to be (what i call lazy) down and taking it easy. i have always been active since coming off geodon. (SB: i am sure at some point the geodon will resurface during my blogs. I had a nervous breakdown when my kid was in elementary school. Was put on meds. new dr upped meds to high. i was way over medicated and was basically a body in the world with little to no desire to participate. i just watched as everyone continued to evolve and live their lives while i just quit evolving emotionally. 12 yrs to find the right dr that was like WTF are you doing on this shit? thank god.) I have prided myself on being an active person and getting shit done. ive been in my new dream home for 1 1/2 yrs and still dont have it in order. i dont know what the fucxk is wrong with me. i casnt get my shit together long enough (or the desire) to get things settled. Maybe im afraid if i do i wont have a purpose in life, or may get lazier, more depressed, have to face myself even more than usual, im getting older and its harder or something. anyways, i just cant get over the lack of energy & desire to get my life in order. Its very confusing and frustrating. makes me very angry at myself and disappointed.

its been really bad lately. i had one of the top 2 worst fights with my kid. i cussed at her. tried to kick her out of the room. screamed, cried and lost my temper like i never have before with her, ever. it was like the way i use to get when i was with her daddy. loose total control of my emotions. Beating my hands on the desk to get her to just shut the fuck up for a moment. it was like my brain was going to explode. i was cornered and wanted to die. coil into myself and escape. totally attacked like when i was married. it was just fucking insane and i was out of control and it scared me. the anger and lack of control i had towards my kid whom i loved more than anything in this world. she was treating me just like he did. trying to kill ever bit of confidence in myself and trying to make me feel like i was not entitled to my emotions and a piece of shit. like a cornered wild animal i came out fighting not caring about my actions. i felt like she wanted to break me emotionally. her daddy did the same on a regular basis. maybe that is why i was so hurt and angry (full of hate and dismay that this person i loved so unconditionally was treating me so horrible and using my insecurities against myself. what kind of person does that. the person you love unconditionally and place on a pedestal and would have their back ALWAYS treating me like im a bad person? the person who would die, literally, for you.). Totally fucking ungrateful !!! i wonder a lot if i did this to my mother too. idk if its a right of passage between parent & child. if i created this unhappy, mean, manipulative person? im sure the way i put them on a pedestal and could do no wrong helped create this person. so yes i am somewhat responsible for this persons personality while they grow and grow becoming their own person. as i write this about i am referring to my kid and her daddy. epiphany after epiphany happening in my mind. god damn i loved her daddy, i miss him as much as i hated him. he was the love of my life. im feeling so sad right now. so many mixed emotions. i fucking hate him for leaving me (us). I love him so much when i look back about how a huge part he was of my whole families lives. how dare him fucking walk away from me. how fucking dare him die on me– bastard !!! we were suppose to be together forever even tho i know it would’ve been the worst thing for me. i so had this idea we would split, grow, reconnect as better people. he would realize how much he loved me and come back for me….epiphany—-he abandoned me. he didn’t love me enough to come back for me like he use to do when we were dating. he always came back for me bc he loved me. he remarried bc he could go on with put me and i couldn’t him. it crushed me he remarried. he didn’t love me the way i loved him. ive waited for him all these years. the 2 most important men in my life abandoned me…my father and him. FUCKING BASTARDS !!!! i loved them both more than myself and they both took that love and took advantage of how much i loved them. they thought no matter how much i loved them they could use me and i would always come back. i hate and love them both.

goddamn this to much right now. i have to stop this entry bc i just cant right now!!!