so me and my kid got into a massive fight. probably the biggest ever. i cussed her but she didn’t cuss me-interestingly enough. i was so mad. she said some shitty things and i said shittier stuff back. idk why she wanted to stay and fight but i tried to kick her out of the office 2 – 3 times. i cried more in that 1 1/2 hrs than i had in a long time. at one point i was crying so hysterically i couldn’t talk. it was an extremely emotional argument. i even ended up beating my hands on my desk screaming T HER. I fucking lost it. i dont think ive ever shown her that much anger towards her.
2 things she said that stuck with me….
- was i needed to let her be an adult, that she is 28 and i need to let her be an adult. **funny thing she is right. i thought i had cut the apron strings but realized i hadn’t the more i think about it. she is drinking to much but she knows the risk and is an adult. i will just be there if/when she needs me. and hopefully i wont be so petty that i wont say, I TOLD YOU SO**
2. was she strives very hard in life to not end up like either of her parents. WTF bitch. i know she hates (despises) her dad for moving away across country and leaving her. but god damnit i didn’t do that! my life was dictated around raising her. so why wouldn’t she want to be a dedicated person to the one she loves? ummm, that actually doesn’t feel like what i mean, what i mean is i was (am still) a great parent. she came first as it should be with every parent. im not sure which part me she trying so hard not be like but i am offended. im a fucking awesome person !!!!! she hates her father and baches him every possible moment. i try to tell her about some of the good things in our lives before her birth. she doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. **it is so easy to remember the bad than the good** I have always said when it was good with he and i it was GREAT. When it was bad with us it was HORRIBLE. i wonder if i just dont remember the happy medium. i remember a lot more now i feel like. but hell, maybe not. im just so much smarter now that im older and sometimes i wish i had all this knowledge back then. but it is possible i would’ve ran from him if i been this smart ?!? anyways its fine she hates him right now but why the fuck is she lumping me in with a horrible parent category with him? i never abandoned her. if anything he abandoned me first when we divorced. OMFG, that is a different entry.
it was a very interesting fight. i found out alot about her and she i. she says she feels stupid around me. man i was dumbfounded. i would believe anything but that. that is my reason. i feel the same way. i feel she thinks she is smarter than me and i get all defensive and end being snappy. to me she comes off as having all the confidencs in the world and no one can sway her. funny thing is mom said the same thing about me before i met her dad, i turned into a weak, insecure teenager. my mom was dumbfounded by this too. we all turn into our parents. since it takes a male and female chromosome to reproduce (for now) we all just pray to get only the best traits from both parents. sadly tho, that isnt how it works.
man that one really got sidetracked….. at thrapy i disgussed how i wasn’t sure about exactly how i felt about our argument. that i came away with a confused feeling. that things between me and my kid areb’t the same and it worried me. she had me step back a moment and look at it from a different perspective. she said if you guys had fought like that and nothing changed between you it means neither of you learned or grew from the fight. and wow, how true. things changed and it was a good thing instead of a bad. im just so use to things not shifting that i assumed it was a bad thing. however, its not – possibly. time will tell. anyway i feel like for me i walked knowing more about her and understanding where her anger comes from and why. while i still feel like she doesn’t like me that is ok. there were times i didn’t like – but loved – my parents at different times. shes says its not that she hates me she feels like she can be her true self around me which is an unhappy angry person. now that really worries the fuck out of me. but i did walk away from our fight realizing i could change or fix things for her. she has to take care of her self. and if she needs me i will be there — no questions asked or judements (jopefully).
I have def walked away feeling like i no longer have to take care of her or be the one to pick her up when she falls. she can do that. if she needs help getting up she knows she can count on me. otherwise she needs to learn (or tweak) how to fall, get up and dust herself off. i wonder if my mom felt like this?
Mothernature knows nothing 