2 nights ago I was evacuated from my home. A fire was in the neighborhood. Once I got home (the next day) i slept all day. I had no energy or desire to get up. So I slept. Today I got up feeling extremely odd. Kinda disconnected from… something…not sure what. Then sat down to drink my coffee. All of a sudden I rush of emotions came over me and I cried and cried and cried. Got up took a shower, got dressed and came to work all while on the verge of tears. Feeling very vulnerable. Dad came to the office and proceeded to blame for everything wrong (or what presumed wrong in his eyes) with him not being involved in the company and what I was doing incorrectly. I asked him what that entailed. He wouldn’t (or couldn’t) give me a straight answer. I asked again telling him I would change what he thought I was doing incorrectly. He proceeded to tell me how he was kept out the loop of moving the business which I reminded him I talking to him about the whole thing and he told me to do it. How I forgot to increase a renters check to include the cpi for 2022. i reminded him that i had told him he had the original contract and said he would find it a month ago. How he was left with all the remaining stuff to take care of at the office and I reminded him that had told me not to touch anything pertaining to him because he wanted to go through it first before it got moved. How he was the primary owner of the company which I said “i know this because you remind me every time you are mad” that he could fire me or sell the company which I starting crying and said fine go ahead it’s all my fault. Then he started talking about how my kid wasn’t here enough which I reminded he was the one who pushed her to go to college. He wanted to know if she was still going to work for the company after graduating. I told him yes. As he got angrier and angrier he started telling me that we (me & my Kid) had no right argueing at the office. i reminded him it was no different than him yelling at me. He beat his fist on my desk and was yelling at me. When he stopped I said “just like that” I was crying. At one point i told him it was wrong to blame me for something he forgets he told me what & how to do in the first place. i said every single move i make goes through you first. would you like me to start recording our conversations. he was also mad bc he was told he couldn’t move his stuff to the office. i reminded him he said he was going to have an office at his house that he didn’t need an area. i reminded him it was bc he wanted to bring all his JUNK he horded in the old office (ie a massage table). I said we cleaned out a space for you when you said you wanted to move a desk down here. he set up his desk, chair & computer. then went back to bitching about things that happened moths ago. i said can we move on to current events?
He says no boss would let his employees get away with what we are doing at the office. I asked what he meant. He said not being at the office enough even if there is nothing to do, just sitting here so he can reach me. I should be at this office 9-4. I told him I am here 6 days a week atleast 6 hrs a day. Somedays might be at night or come in on a weekend but that I am here. He began to yell that he can’t find anyone to ride around with him since he can’t drive long distances bc he falls asleep. he said when he calls me i am busy. i reminded him i have 2 weekly standing appts p/wk. 1 is 2 doors down from the office and therapy. he says i should be available at all times to help him with anything he needs. i said that is not what an 9-4 employee is for since i’m suppose to be an employee and not act like a family member. i also reminded him that i am a 50+ yr old and have a life and it’s not here to be at his beck and call. not EMPLOYEE thats not family would do that. At some point he brought up how his mom did him wrong when he worked for her. I said and you are treating me the same way so i understand. he said she held all the cards bc she would hold his pay over him and i almost said just like you but i didn’t. He said he cant pay anyone to ride with him. he has tried to pay several people 100.00 p/day just to ride around and listen to music. no one will go. i wanted to tell him it is because he is the most negative person. that everyone is having hard times emotionally right now and all your bad mojo makes it worse. you complain to much about our last president. you complain about what you are paying for taxes and not having as much. how you are fixated on you squeezing every last dime possible bc your materialistic and money driven. Alas, i did not. we were still yelling, me crying, and he compared me to ‘L’ again. i said fuck her. she worked 9-5 and that was it. he said he paid her to be at the office in case he needed her to go somewhere for him or do something for him. I said what did she personally do for you or when did she ride with or take you anywhere?
The yelling quit and it became a convo about his marriage. how his wife mistreats him. how she forgets he pays for everything of hers. how she doesn’t cook for him, clean, or does what he says in a timely manner (his time frame which is IMMEDIATELY). We all are disrespecting him, treating him like shit, against him, ignoring him, taking advantage of him for his money, etc. HE IS ALWAYS THE VICTIM !!!! for 2 hrs he talked about ex-president and how he fucked dad (money wise), how ungrateful everyone he knows is, how a female friend of his didn’t listen to him on what kind of car to buy, how awesome his friends from where he buys his motorcycles and cars are and all the expensive vehicles & toys are. what wonderful, pleasant & smart they are (sure they like him so much bc he is very intelligent on alot of things but also a sucker for mixing the facts he is also a dollar sign to them). he says they would never steer him wrong bc they are friends. all the while he is describing their expensive vehicles & toys they won i was thinking ‘that you helped them afford. he went on about how rich they are and fell into money through family/friend connections. sound familiar is what i wanted to say. he finally calmed down after criticizing every single person he knows.
He wanted me to dictate 2 emails EXACTLY how he wanted them worded. He stood over me explaining how to open an email, download & print. I said nothing and did what he asked. ex: “click on that – right click – left click – you moved the mouse to far – highlight that word – go back 2 spaces – go forward 1 space – you aren’t opening that attachment correctly” – if you do this it is easier – stop doing it your way, do it exactly like i tell you and nothing else…. are just a few examples of his controlling. the envelope to tax people had to be opened bc noticed i wrote it out of the wrong account. he wouldn’t let me hand write and address. we taped the envelope back up. belittling me the whole time. all this stuff he was having me do is the same stuff i do every year at tax time. i had to sit here and listen to him talk about cars and motorcycles for another 30 mins before he left all while putting on a fake smile to please him while dying inside. this is a very very common occurrence.
the whole time this was going on i was on the verge of tears. I don’t know why. survivors guilt again from 2016 fires. fear of possibly loosing everything. fear of my safe space (my home) being taken away from me. now i dont feel like its my safe space anymore. guilt i am feeling this way. my heart feels sad & dark. all i want to do is go to bed and block everything out and sleep through it all. (whatever ‘it all’ actually is.) im nauseous and hungry at the same time. i can’t remember the last time i went all day without one happy thing happening or a smile.
just heard sirens and got sick to my stomach.
i have heard from dad 5 times in the last hour since he left……i am so nauseous
Mothernature knows nothing 