My Rants

As a parent I choose to try to do the best for my child. Even when she is so fucking unappreciative. Damn I hope I don’t have to wait another 20 years for her to mature enough to realize I did the best I could with what I had. All I hear now is dont forgive you for being absent in my youth. Explanation: I wasn’t an absent mom. i was diagnosed with bipolar when i had a nervous breakdown. I stayed in bed for a long time although it didn’t seem that long to me because I slept through most of it. I accidently ended up with a phenomenal family Dr. One of his family member of his had bipolar also so he did extensive research on it. That was very uncommon over 20 yrs ago. I know it wasn’t a new disease but it wasn’t as diagnosed in detail back then and not as understood. So my original Dr put me on some great meds. I took to them quickly and did well. It took a while for my body to acclimate but it was working. then my Dr retired and another Dr took over. I really liked him alot. He was very personable. Later I found out he was in the military (this is a pertinent piece of info to remember). I was having issues with sleeping. So he quit my amibian – yup ambien. I was a comatose zombie after taking that. I was the ‘binge eater’ kind that wouldn’t remember it. So I spoke with my Dr and decided to add a med to help me sleep instead off ambien. He started me on Geodon. 80 mgs to start with, 160 mgs then he decided to up it to 360 mgs. YES…MILLIGRAMS (not micromilligrams). So at that point I was a walking zombie, both day and night. Couple yrs later I had to change my Dr again. I got a female Dr. on my first visit she went over my file and looked at me in shock and said why are you on Geodon? And why such a high dose? That is a cheap drug used by the military mostly to give soldiers. And it is double a normal dose. I have never seen a dose that high. But most importantly…how are you standing up and awake? I was on 360 mgs of Geodon, 40 mgs of Lexapro and 500 mgs of Lamictal. I should’ve been comatose, let alone walking and talking she said. I went like that before this new female Dr for many years. I was over medicated from my daughters 7th grade to well after graduation (2012). Over 10 yrs of overmedicated. Its been roughly 6 or 7 yrs since my medication cocktail has been steady. Then one event on top of another. My daughters life threatening illness (2 times). The wildfires of 2016. Moving her drug addict grandmother into my home after the fires destroyed everything she owned. Trying to hold it together for all my family while in a horrible relationship I wanted out of. Then gutted my home, took out my first mortgage. Then covid/quarantine took over. breaking ties with my 30+ year best friend over drugs, moved back home after 10 months (by the way 2 people and 2 dogs that would try to kill one another when possible), ending my 7 year relationship, now being alone/unmedicated/2 large dog owner/ungrateful daughter place in my life. My point is I have NEVER EVER experienced more than 1 of the scenarios at a time — imagine going through all of these in just under 7 years. It was/is so god damn brutal. On the plus side II don’t have a choice as to whether it is something I want to do or not. I have to do it/confront everything about me. Why I am who I am, how I got this way, what (if any) I need to change and how. Simple as that!!! I do get manic and blue sometimes. The sad times mostly come in the winter. I have also realized that I am ADHD. I’m not sure if or where that intertwines with bipolar? it really doesn’t matter.

My first rant: my daughter is becoming a very self sufficient person. Bought her first house. Went through a horrible relationship. Going through all kinds of on and off again horrific things with her lupous. Full time student in college. Doing her work for the company from home. All that and still trying to live a life of someone her age which is impossible because her body is the age of someone 25 yrs older.Tthe lupus has fucked with her physically and mentally. I feel so much love, concern and anger towards her about this.

#2 : she had a fuck buddy whom i knew NOTHING about except for his first name. Ok fine, but the bigger the deal she makes of it the more I want to know. She could mention his name but if I did she would lock down emotionally. Tell me I’m not even allowed to say his name. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK !!!! Then don’t talk about him to me. So several months go by and she gets very sick. I know she is around him. I decided to friend him on insta so I could reach her in an emergency or he could reach me in an emergency. I didn’t scroll through his page or nothing, just wanted to be able to reach him in an emergency. I have that with all of her new and old friends. If she disappears for whatever reason I have tons of contacts to try to find her. Its my mom way, my super power. So she recently comes to me say they have decided to be official. I am so happy because from what little I know he’s awesome and treats her well. Honestly I dont even know his last name till this day. Idk if it is on his Insta or not, like I said I didn’t go through it at the time. I’ve seen less than 10 pics and I could literally trip over him and not know it. I know so little that I even misspell his first name still. So I wanted to just send a text and wish a happy holiday. Asked my daughter first out of respect if I could. She flips the total fuck out. She goes sideways. So I drop it. Which in turns make me question how she always treats me. I stew on things she has said to me in the past that hurt me or I feel is untrue. I send an email (she hates those, and long text messages…lol). Apparently no one else in the world but me send long text messages. After a few days I send an email listing all the shit she has spewed at me for years because she knows my insecurities of feeling stupid and her being able to control our connvos. It wasn’t meant to be a mean email and I said that. It was a factual email. I did however get angry in a paragraph, but hey, whatever… so I told her how I felt when she talked down to me, interrupted me, bullied all of our conversations, how saying I’m acting just like my father ( which now I can say sooooo) and a few more things too. After 2 days I text her with a question so I could feel out her mood. She is the moodiest girl I know. All over the place–bipolar I’m sure–just like when I was married to her father, I got knots in my stomach when he would come home. Having to wait till he walked through the door so I could adjust me emotions to mean, happy or indifferent to make things easier on him and then just slide into the corner to leave him alone—it is exactly like that way with my daughter!!!! So we argue by text….I know she hates my long texts and I dont care. She acts like I have no right… ummmm, hello, I’m the goddamn mom. I wanted a baby, I brought her into this world, I raised her practically alone before thhe divorce and definitely after the divorce, I made sure she had a roof over her head ALL her life, she had food, shoes, toys, pets, I held down a full time job, she was in daycare, I lost my best friend bc she decided she wanted to with my daughters dad, I made sure she had other kids to hang around (mostly cousins-but that is normal), I made many many decisions to not have what I wanted so she could have the opportunities I didn’t have growing up as a child, I sacrificed all my freedom after the divorce for years to be a mom, I never had fun in my 20’s like most because I was raising her father then her…she had it ALL. She never talks about the good times and idk if she even remembers them.

She hates her father for abandoning her (so she says). I try to keep the horrible things about my marriage limited. How I cried all the time bc I lost my best friend and my husband who was my high school sweetheart (the only man I slept with until we divorced when I was 28), she was my only life raft that kept me from giving up and dying. I knew I had to be as sane as possible around her because nothing else was. She didn’t know the calls between him and I were getting so bad. As hard as I tried to keep it away from her she never heard all of the chaos. Like death threats, what a horrible mother I am, our daughter deserves someone that truly loves her, she will never love me the way she loves him, etc…blah blah blah… Before her piece of shit dad moved across country I went 2-3 years with out child support. I was getting like 150.00’ish p/month. We would go to court and he would give them his monthly income so they could figure a percentage to give me to raise her. But he was smart, the majority of people he built for did paid cash under the table, no tax trail……by the time he moved and the court system caught up with him the total was 20K+. Borrowing money for meds I couldn’t afford. Going to her daycare during lunch for her breathing treatments that she required 3 times a day. That med alone was 1,800.00 p/month. I did have insurance that paid 80%. However, I had to pay in full then be reimbursed by the insurance company after 30 days. I was always there being mom & father. I gave her lots of freedom but also holding the reigns. She had such wild, vivacious and charming spirit and it was so contagious. I didn’t want to crush that spirit only reign it in when needed.

All her young informative years I wasn’t medicated. As she started asking for a little more freedom around 8th grade I gave it to her. Then her father took me to court, fucked me over in court and it was traumatizing for me, hung 50’ish photo copied calling mean vulgar names and stapling them outside of our house when we were out of town….even on the dog house. I had to call the cops and file a report when I was out of state. I know she thinks I was a totally absent mother but the difference is I usually didn’t freak the fuck out when she did something wrong, stupid or childish and flip the fuck out. I would get mad, possibly yell, ground or whip.

As parents when you raise a child there is usually 2 active parents ( sometimes more). One is playing the good cop and the other bad cop. Then switch roles. As a single mom I had to try to figure out where the line was at on being good and bad cop. Sometimes there was no line. I would take a deep breath, way my options on what to do (that would be best for her to learn from) and choose. I never knew at the time if it was the right or wrong way to handle it (if any). It’s a double edged sword. She has no idea the scarifies I made to make the right decisions and to be a good mother. Honestly, i didn’t even realize at the time when I was making a decision or that I even had an option.

She is such a sad and unhappy person. It’s like she keeps making goals thinking if she could just get to the next one it would make her happy. I think we all do that and it usually fails. That life. This life doesn’t owe us a thing. We make our own destiny.

She resents her childhood, me medicated, me not being strict enough, me confronting her about how she treats me and others, romantic relationship bc they terrify her, me not hovering (when she wants me to), me hovering (when it’s not convenient for her), her father abandoning her then dying, and there are so so many more I believe which I’m I dont even know about honestly.

I think she could be a much happier adult if she would stay in therapy. She says she feels like all she does is talk about her day and nothing comes of it. That her therapist has nothing to offer. That she has outgrown her therapist. But that is shutting down bc it’s getting to close and to real for her. She is TERRIFIED of being diagnosed with bipolar and will do anything to stay completely away from remotely discussing it…unfortunately she is definitely bipolar.

I got wrapped up in venting I just quit numbering my rants. They all just ran together. lol

FUCK I HAD A LOT TO VENT….