Never Appreciated

Aug 17, 2023

My daughter is being a self-centered little bitch. She was in a emotionally abusive relationship for several years. Nothing I knew about of course. It ended and I was amazing to find out how bad it was. She’s not very forthcoming with life stuff. I get that. When I had traumatic issues happen in my marriage there were things I didn’t share out of shame. Shame I let it happen, control me, my insecurities and that I would stay with him. Now she is with a wonderful guy (according to her). In 3 months they will have been together 2 years. Officially a couple 1 yr. My problem is I haven’t spent more than 5 mins talking to him at a time. I’ve been around him 3 times for no more than 5 mins each time. So my concern is why? She says it’s bc he is quiet and shy, he has never had a serious relationship before. His relationship with his parents are “normal” whatever the fuck that means !!!! He accidentally met my dad once and that was enough for him. He is disgusted by my dad’s personality and inappropriateness. Doesn’t like him at all. I’m sure she has complained about how much I am like him, and in some ways I am. But I am also very opposite of him.
I went through so much raising my child alone most of the time. Then after her daddy passed it was just me. Then through all her illnesses. Almost dying, being bathed, multiple trips to ER and just dr visits. Her unable to walk, stand, drink, eat, medication times, shots, etc. I never slept, worried all day & night long, crying in the shower alone, making deals with god, feeling guilty of having to go to work and leave with the guy I was in a relationship with at the time. Calling and checking on her, contacting drs for any issues that may come up. Taking care of all of this while emotionally and literally being on autopilot. If I hadn’t been I probably wouldn’t have survived, neither of us. Basically being the diligent mother I am, while making sure I can do everything in my power to keep her well and improving. Not let her die. I love her so much I would do it all over again if I had too. That is what led me into being a ‘hover’ mom. Wanting to keep her safe. Letting go of the apron strings and letting her go be her own person was the hardest thing I have done. And currently I don’t feel like I am getting any leniency or even understanding for who I am and why I am this way bc of all I went through. I had no control over anything. And I have no control now.

I struggled for many months on trying to pull back and let her find her way in life. I kept falling back into my old habits. It took lots and lots of therapy, deep digging into the dark areas of my fears/soul/heart/mind. Some very scary places. Admitting things I once refused to accept, ie.. not being needed all the time, being able to call or chat whenever I just wanted to check in on how she is doing, her being my best friend and basically just having a nice close mom/daughter relationship. Now I know I sound resentful of all the things I have done as a mother for her. I am not bc I would do it all over again if I had too so she could turn out to be the incredible person she is today. However I would like some acknowledgement of how I have given her the space she demanded and becoming a better person by cutting most of my apron strings. I dont feel she sees how far I have come and if she does she hasn’t given me credit on how good I am doing. I’m not sure if I just repeated myself or not? If I did it’s bc it is worth saying twice. She and I both have come a long way of trying to be a better person. I tell her frequently how proud I am of her for the life she has built, how smart she is, how lucky I am to have her as my daughter, etc.
Ok, so that brings to her current bf. IDK if he doesn’t want to meet me, she doesn’t want me to meet him or both. IDK if he’s scared of me, she scared of us meeting or what???? I fucking know nothing. She has mentioned the 3 of us doing lunch or dinner a few times. Not specific dates or details. Everytime something happens and he can’t make it. She says we never promised. I tell her it’s ok. I ask is he afraid of me, are you worried about me acting out, does he know I’m not just like my dad, etc? I get the same response every time from her. “It’s has nothing to do with you” or “It’s not about you” then she accuses me of being to insecure and needy. I should let it go. First–it actually does have something to do with me bc I am part of the equation. If he is aware of us going dinner/lunch and how important and excited I am and changes his plans — then hell yes, it is bc of me! If he knows about it and how excited/important it is to me and changes his plans again then it IS about me. It’s just so disrespectful. I feel he or she or possibly both of them doesn’t want me to even have anything to do with them. It makes me wonder what is being hid from me. Let me also say….when they were just casually dating she went to his sisters wedding (which we all know the whole fam was there and weddings are a big deal). She has spent time with his mom, dad and sister all separately and together. She spent fathers day with his dad which she usually spends some time with me, bouquet, card or at least we have some kind of communication (she refers to me as her father & mother figure). Then she spent Easter with his family and spent time with him at his moms on Mother’s Day (hello…that’s MY GD Day !!!). She said after spending time with with his mom it would be a long drive to here. That she would be here in town in couple of days so we can celebrate it then. I didn’t want to make her feel guilty and I know how important this relationship is to her so I said sure, swallowed my badly hurt feelings and said fine…(now that is some Fucking Growth!!!!) She had been pretty sick for months a while back with a lung issue. She went to her specialist for tests. I know normaslly results aren’t given but this was a special issue she hadn’t had before. I asked for to call me back and tell me whetgher or not anything was said. She sais sure. I waiting hours after her appointment. No call, no text – nothing. I caledd many times, left messages on her phone & FB and many texts just asking if she was ok. Never heard from her. I was friend with her bf (it hadn’t been defined as a realtionship yet, but had been together for many months). I knew she wouokld reach out to him. So I text him, no resp[onse. I was so worried I accidently hit the FaceTime button and immediately hung up before it rang, it was a totasl accident. I contacted a mutual friend of opurs that i had met at her comedy show. We had become Inst & FB friends. I contacted her bc I knew he would answer our common acquaintance (they were friends). I asked her to contact him and just ask him if my daughter was ok or hadf he heard from her. I was extremely worried. I don’t remember when my baby contacted me back but I do remember she was so freaking pissed at me. Told me to back off. Leave him alone. He had told her that me reaching out was wrong and if that is what it was going to b like in a relationship with her (and me as her mom) it would never work. WTF !!!!!! That is when I started working on respecting her boundaries. She fucking chewed me up, spit me out and was willing for kill me. Jesus, she was so angry at me. And I felt so bad that I freaked him out. I didn’t want to be the reason it didn’t work. Well, actually I didn’t want to be the excuse he might give to not stay in their relationship.

This past weekend we had lunch and she implied he might join us. Then when a date, time & place was nailed down he was busy getting a massage that morning. I was informed that afterwards he likes to go home and relax and get things done around the house. So I went to brunch with her anyways. I mentioned I hope he aware that I’m not as over the top as my dad is. She said I’ve told you before it’s not about you. You need to get over this. Stop being insecure. This is your stuff to deal with. And as I usually do I let it go. I get to see her so infrequently that I get to see her that I didn’t want to but heads. (God Damn Growth!!!) When we were done with brunch she mentioned how much he likes chocolate gravy from there. We both had a lot of leftovers so we both asked the server to bring to-go boxes and more choc gravy at the some time. It was really cute. lol. She said she would call him to see if he wanted to come pick up the food while we waited. Apparently he didn’t. She ordered another biscuit and said she would call him in a little bit. I paid for it which I dont mind but I feel it’s worth mentioning since I get so much grief from her and no leanways. I was hoping brownie points from both of them. And maybe he would realize the kind gesture and show up for a minute to tank me or something. So when we were done she had said she wanted to show me around downtown. Granted I’m not the best with roads and directions around her place but the area we were in I am pretty familiar with. We walked to the car about a block away. Got in and drove around a few blocks. As we circled back around she said ok that is where we just ate. I knew where we were. While at the stop sign I noticed his apartment was like 1,000 ft in front of us. I said that is where he lives, right? She said yes, good eye. I believe she didn’t want me to realize that where we were eating was less than 2 blocks from his place. I think she believed that if I had known how close to his apartment we were at brunch that I would ask why he wasn’t there. And she also knew it would’ve given me a leg to stand on to ask questions. Instead I said nothing other than, I thought so. (God Damn Growth!!!) Why didn’t she just stop and drop it off to him while we were there? She took it home with her, called him and said she would be over as soon as my mom leaves in a while and scoop you up. Why didn’t we stop and drop the warm fresh food off to him after leaving brunch? So he was coming to her place. We drove by his place to and from brunch, parked very close to his place and he still couldn’t make it. but he could make it after I left. ( btw, he lives less than 10 mins from her house. I quick skip, hop and jump and he could be at her place anytime. but can never make it till after I’m conveniently leaving.) That so so so fucking hurt my feelings. She makes me feel guilty about feeling insecure, gas lights me into letting the subject go and I do. Now that is GROWTH !!~!!
(FYI: gas lighting is her fav term pertaining to me. it is nothing more than what my generation calls guilt-trip. it’s not a new term, a new discovery or anything…..she acts like her generation created it and put it out there..are you fucking kidding me!?!?!)
I know its a good thing to step back and let her live her life and I’m trying to keep improving more every day. I am concerned bc of secrecy she creating about her relationship? And don’t I deserve the right to voice my opinion then we discuss it? I have as much right as she does to ask about it as she does to keep me out of it.
I am extremely angry, oh so very hurt, feel unappreciated, dismissed and disregarded, my personality is tainted in his eyes, and totally cut out of her life. And anytime she needs me I drop everything for her, as most mothers do. Where is the return love??
I am a very compassionate, giving, loving, fun and charming person. I’m a great mother. He is so missing out on how fantastic I am (so is she).