Best Friends No More…

My loss of my Best Friend in the whole wide world 😭

  My BFF for 35+ years ended in 2020. I knew why I ended it but had no idea she also ended it till recently. 

  Just before Xmas I ran into her at our Nail salon. I had run into her a few times previously over the years but she wouldn’t acknowledge me. So I stopped too. When I saw her come in before Xmas I knew the holidays are rough on her so I made an effort to say hi and tell her how great she looked (and she did). Small talk for a few moments. Then she leaned over to hug me. Honestly, I thought she might hit me or something. My jaw dropped as she reached her arms out to me. So I reached up and hugged her back. I whispered in her ear I Love You and Miss You. She did the same. WOW !!!!! I was on a fucking HUGE emotional high.

  I started making plans for us to reunite , hanging out and doing things. (all the usual emotional decision making I always do). By the next day my high wasn’t so high. Reality set in. I knew it should be a step by step process. I decided to wait for her to text/call me since she was the one who was so distant. Well, that lasted for a few days. So I text her saying we both were so stubborn that we could both die waiting on the other to text (a funny joke I knew she would get). No response. A day or so later I text that I know if in a dating relationship there is a 3-4 day waiting period to respond without seeming needy. And how I felt like I was on a date waiting on her because our friendship is that important to me. Especially since we always joked about how she was the male role and me the female role in our friendship that we would be the perfect couple if she was a guy. Again, No response. So I quit reaching out.

  At my next nail appt my guy asked if I text/called her. I said yes but she didn’t respond. He said hmmmmm….

  Around my birthday I received a text from her and my heart started racing with joy and anticipation. Her text said:  Hey. I said Hey back. Then, it’s me (XXX). I said Duh, I know who you are still in my phone as (nickname here). Then I sent another text. No response. So I dropped it thinking she may have changed her mind. I was totally crushed.

  Next nail appt. He told me XXX text me but I never responded. I told him, yes I did. He said she didn’t get them. I told him to tell her to UNBLOCK me on her cell so she can receive my texts. 

  The next day she texted. We proceeded to text for a week or two. I think we were both afraid to push it too far too early – or at least I was. Then I found out why she was mad. I insulted her and made her feel like a bum. My dumbass fella at the time was trying to isolate me from her bc she was fun and wild and could easily convince me to leave him since I already wanted to. I apologized. The text messages covered the gambit pretty much.

  So we were to meet somewhere neutral and talk. Work out the issues. I wanted to set boundaries and let her too. No restaurants though bc I am trying to lose weight. She suggested her fav donut/coffee shop. I did agree to meet there, dumb idea. Then a day or so later she suggested a nice restaurant. 

2 red flags for me and we haven’t even spoken verbally. 

1 : she has no money to pay for her meal and I didn’t want money to start being an issue between us again. I said I really didn’t want to do a restaurant – food and all – I’m an emotional eater, plus I love that restaurant. The donut/coffee shop was back on the table.

2 : Not long after that she called (1st time verbal convo in many years). We chit-chatted. Then talked about hating her job (common), then immediately broke into a rage of words, anger, hostility towards her boss (one of her bff’s also). Cussed her like a sailor: (cunt,whore,motherfucker,fucking bitch,etc). I immediately felt a knot just appear in my gut. The same kind I got when coming home to my ex-boyfriend OR the feeling I got when I was married and heard his loud shitty truck coming up the road and never knowing what kind of mood he would be in. It was horrific. I thought maybe she was just having a bad day (stupid, she has always been like this). Then she asked me if I could hire her for our business. THERE IT IS…   The selfish, narcissistic, entitled user she has always been. I tried to find her something online while on the phone. One option that  I suggested she said she would kill herself if she had to do it. She hates people, tourists, rules and checks as payment. Then it hit me…a personal dog walker. She LOVES all animals. She could make her own hours, get paid in cash, not have to deal with people except for a few moments. Great money!!!!  NO GO of course. I had to get off the phone for a meeting. Told her she should check it out. It was perfect for her.

  As the night passed I became more sad and upset over our convo. She hadn’t changed at all. She wanted to see what she could get out of me. Sure she missed me. But I was the only one that let her be herself, do her thing and not control her no matter how immoral, illegal or unjust it was. I felt she cared so little over our long time friendship that she would try to get something out of me first instead of just reconnecting. She feels everyone (including the world) owes her bc she has had a bad childhood. I felt like I was going through a divorce again. Heartbroken again, I thought about it all night. What should I do? I wanted to call my daughter but thought it best not to so I could listen to my gut and what I need without any outside influence. Not mom, sis, friends…no one. This one had to be all me!!  No more second guessing or surveys.

  The next morning I got up and texted her. I said I didn’t think this was going to work out. We are just two different people. I am trying to make my life easy and peaceful. The anger and hostility on the phone yesterday put a knot in my stomach. I know you won’t believe this right now, but I do love you and always will. You will always have a special place in my heart. I am not judging how you live your life at all. You once told me it is how you survive life. I told her I got that. I just can’t have it in my life.

  I have no words to describe how sad, broken hearted and disappointed I am.

Then I BLOCKED her…

                                                   THE END