therapy has helped me so much. i have spent the last couple of years adjusting to my life without a man and loving myself as much as i love others. showing the compassion i have for others and giving myself the same breaks and letting go of the guilt. its been extremely hard for sure but i feel i may be over the hump. the last 2 years has been rough with covid and all. ive had it like 4 times (2 times tessted positive & 2 times negative). I did have all the same symptoms as people that tested positive. oh well.
my daughter is doing awesome. she will graduate with her masters in 2026. i am so fucking proud of her. she has excelled above and beyond any expectations i could even imagine she could or even had for myself at her age. i hope she realizes how proud and happy i am for her. i tell her all the time but i cant tell if grasps how sincere i am. i am one very proud momma.
Christmas this year was EXTREMELY difficult. it is my fav holiday. its huge in my family especially for me. probably bc it was the only time my family seemed happy when i was growing up. and when i had my child it was completely magical watching her unwrap gifts. on the holiday all the worlds problems and my personal problems didn’t exist. it was just us and the family. she use to fly out on Christmas day to spend with her dad out west. so, Christmas day wasn’t such a huge deas however xmas eve was the BIG day for us. after his death xmas day was spent with her and i making special holiday traditions for just us. it use to break my heart when she would fly out on xmas day. but that was how it was. every xmas eve for as long as i can remember was spent at my parents house. small gathering bc my siblings have their own families now and xmas day is spent with their families at their homes. so the only thing i look forward to is me and my daughter doing our tradition on xmas day. but these past couple of years have been very different. her new relationship has her spending it with his family. that is so fucking hard on me. Thanksgiving, Xmas Eve and hald Xmas day. i miss her so damn much. I hate to guilt her into visiting me on the most important holiday to me. she has her own life and i try to respect that. however, as difficult it was to make sure she grew up in the same home (unlike me) i feel it’s her responsibility to now show me the same kind of love and sacrifice (bad word to use) as i did her growing up. it shows me how much she appreciates all i have done for her. its called compassion and love. when you love someone that much its not a burden but a joy. i dont think she understands how much that would mean to me.
days before Xmas she told me she would be her late xmas morning. day before xmas eve she told me late afternoon. then she let me know on xmas eve it would be late Christmas day. i was so hurt that she didn’t make me a priority i told her not to bother. ( i found out that 2 days later i had covid). when she comes to my house she always leave before dark, driving at night and all. i felt like she would be rushing to get home bc all the holiday stuff and exhausted her. she was at his families xmas eve and morning. drive home. drive to his other half of his family for a few hours and then drive all the way here. i was pretty pissed she mentioned all the traveling she going to have to do. so i told her not to bother. i was so upset i cancelled on family xmas eve. i was crying and having severe sadness, depression and anxiety over all the bullshit. me.
xmas day i got up and took ALL my decorations down. my complete xmas holiday was ruined bc she made me her last priority. yes, i know i made it worse but she let me really hurt my feelings and let me down. she knew how important it was for me to have our tradition and how xmas is my fav holiday. i felt like she was taking advantage of the fact i always give in, im everyones door mat so i could be hers. i decided not to be her door mat and accept whatever she was willing to give me. i deserve way better than that. i gave her everything when she was growing up and put my life on semi-hold to be a good mother. she has told me more than once how much she likes doing family things with his family bc it’s so calm and peaceful. well then skip xmas eve with all the family which i knew she was going to do and i accepted that. but it’s calm here, just me, no one else. so that excuse was bullshit.
I was soooo pissed and hurt that i didn’t answer any of her texts or calls. i didn’t answer any texts or calls from mom or my sister either. basically i ignored everyone and licked my wounds. even when i calmed down i was still super hurt and angry. the crazy thing is she called my sister and my mother angry and hurt at me. excuseeee meeeee, you fucked me over basically blowing me off and your angry at me? just stay with your new CALM family then.
i really didn’t want her around if i (and her family) meant that little to her. i didn’t want to see, chat or talk to her bc of what i might say out of anger. i know she was bending over backwards for her bf. but goddamn it i have been there through the good, bad and ugly. i deserve some compassion, love and respect. i deserved better than that from her. i deserve her time of day. she was being inconsiderate and selfish!!! we did chat several days later. i told her how sorry i was. i didnt mean what i said about her bf. i was out of line and sick. and i have apologized many times since. its still just different. she has never apologized and still holding a small grudge i feel like.
our relationship is still not the same. she says she busy with school, home, friends, life, etc. but then will bring up xmas and say we can talk about it later. i suck at confrontation, especially when it comes to her. im always afraid of her cutting me out of her life. she talks about how ‘parents’ dont deserve love just bc they are parents. i wonder if she feels that way about me? if not, why bring it up? she is aware that is one of biggest insecurities – not having been a good mom. so why go there and push that button. she’s like her father in that aspect. she knows my buttons (like he did all too well) and will push them at her convenience. she use to mention when i was over medicated i was emotionally absent. that is true but she had a roof over her head at all times, a vehicle of her own, always had food, gave her money when i had it to give (which i didn’t always have/sometimes my last few dollars i had for bills or food). she always had electricity, tv, her friends here (which i didn’t mind but still). she always came before any man in my life too. she was always gonna be the one chosen over them if needed. even when my family bitched and judged about how i was raising her i still stood strong. my father judged extremely judged me. my mother did also. her dad was….well just say when it was good it was great, when it was bad it was horrible, especially after the divorce. it was not amicable whatsoever. again, i hate to use the word sacrificed – but i sacrificed my life for her to have anything she wanted at any cost no matter what. (she will probably never understand the unconditionally love and what a parent will give up for their child out unconditional love since she isn’t going to have any.)
and, when i was overmedicated everyone (and i mean everyone) constantly told me i was overmedicated and needed to do something about it. that was terrifying. people that dont have a devastating life altering mental illness do not understand how scary it is to think of coming off a mood altering medication. i was overmedicated but i was also mentally stable. who knows what the fuck would happen if i quit my meds. another breakdown possibly? i didn’t know and neither did they. it took me almost 2 years to become brave enough to take that step. i was in a relationship at the time and i knew he would be there and not leave me if i needed him. i did and didnt need him. i believe that is why he was in my life. i deeply cared for him but i dont think i ever loved him. it is sad to think he was my second longest relationship and i didnt love him. i needed him but didnt love him. i will always be thankful he was there and encoraged me to get my meds under control. however, it is the reason we are no longer together. i discovered after a couiple of years i didnt need him. no ambition to better himself. he just wanted to get by in life. for some that is fine and works for them. it didnt work for me however. i started wanting more out of life. i spent so much time not participating in my life i felt i had to make up for it. that time was stolen from me and not by my choice. doctors do not know everything !!!! i should have listen to my body. but my mind betrayed me so wehy would i trust anything.
the last 2-3 yrs have been extremely difficult for me emotionally. i am learning and trying not to be everyone’s door mat. and most do not like it. they call me oversensitive, emotional. i spiral and loose control. of fucking course i do — im not overmedicated anymore motherfuckers. i feel everything and i am allowed to feel it all !!! the good, bad and ugly. i am allowed to be an asshole (just like them) when i feel i am protecting myself. i deserve better from my family. i was taken advantage of and didn’t stand up for myself and i do now. soooo, they all must choose: overmedicated or the real me !!!!!!!!
holy fucking shit i have alot of anger in me. its spewing out of me like vomit. i have to get it out of my soul to make room for the good in life. i wouldn’t say this to them (in those words exactly) bc it would hurt their feelings im so angry. i will just keep ever-so-subtly keep setting my boundaries. im learning about being the old me with improvements with the new me (like they are also).
its hard being a full time mom then suddenly NOT being a full time mom suddenly. you want your kids to grow up to be strong independent people, self sufficient, which i did. now they don’t need you as much and it breaks a mother’s heart. for me, it’s like i did such a good of a job it is coming back to bite me in the ass. its hard to explain to my brain i was such a good (no, great) mommy and made her a such good person and telling my heart to stop aching bc i raised her right. HEAD vs HEART, fucking sucks….
Mothernature knows nothing 