Uncertainty

so the last few weeks have been rough for me. I have been slightly depressed on and off. not bed depressed but lying on the couch lazy depressed. my therapist says it is ok to be (what i call lazy) down and taking it easy. i have always been active since coming off geodon. (SB: i am sure at some point the geodon will resurface during my blogs. I had a nervous breakdown when my kid was in elementary school. Was put on meds. new dr upped meds to high. i was way over medicated and was basically a body in the world with little to no desire to participate. i just watched as everyone continued to evolve and live their lives while i just quit evolving emotionally. 12 yrs to find the right dr that was like WTF are you doing on this shit? thank god.) I have prided myself on being an active person and getting shit done. ive been in my new dream home for 1 1/2 yrs and still dont have it in order. i dont know what the fucxk is wrong with me. i casnt get my shit together long enough (or the desire) to get things settled. Maybe im afraid if i do i wont have a purpose in life, or may get lazier, more depressed, have to face myself even more than usual, im getting older and its harder or something. anyways, i just cant get over the lack of energy & desire to get my life in order. Its very confusing and frustrating. makes me very angry at myself and disappointed.

its been really bad lately. i had one of the top 2 worst fights with my kid. i cussed at her. tried to kick her out of the room. screamed, cried and lost my temper like i never have before with her, ever. it was like the way i use to get when i was with her daddy. loose total control of my emotions. Beating my hands on the desk to get her to just shut the fuck up for a moment. it was like my brain was going to explode. i was cornered and wanted to die. coil into myself and escape. totally attacked like when i was married. it was just fucking insane and i was out of control and it scared me. the anger and lack of control i had towards my kid whom i loved more than anything in this world. she was treating me just like he did. trying to kill ever bit of confidence in myself and trying to make me feel like i was not entitled to my emotions and a piece of shit. like a cornered wild animal i came out fighting not caring about my actions. i felt like she wanted to break me emotionally. her daddy did the same on a regular basis. maybe that is why i was so hurt and angry (full of hate and dismay that this person i loved so unconditionally was treating me so horrible and using my insecurities against myself. what kind of person does that. the person you love unconditionally and place on a pedestal and would have their back ALWAYS treating me like im a bad person? the person who would die, literally, for you.). Totally fucking ungrateful !!! i wonder a lot if i did this to my mother too. idk if its a right of passage between parent & child. if i created this unhappy, mean, manipulative person? im sure the way i put them on a pedestal and could do no wrong helped create this person. so yes i am somewhat responsible for this persons personality while they grow and grow becoming their own person. as i write this about i am referring to my kid and her daddy. epiphany after epiphany happening in my mind. god damn i loved her daddy, i miss him as much as i hated him. he was the love of my life. im feeling so sad right now. so many mixed emotions. i fucking hate him for leaving me (us). I love him so much when i look back about how a huge part he was of my whole families lives. how dare him fucking walk away from me. how fucking dare him die on me– bastard !!! we were suppose to be together forever even tho i know it would’ve been the worst thing for me. i so had this idea we would split, grow, reconnect as better people. he would realize how much he loved me and come back for me….epiphany—-he abandoned me. he didn’t love me enough to come back for me like he use to do when we were dating. he always came back for me bc he loved me. he remarried bc he could go on with put me and i couldn’t him. it crushed me he remarried. he didn’t love me the way i loved him. ive waited for him all these years. the 2 most important men in my life abandoned me…my father and him. FUCKING BASTARDS !!!! i loved them both more than myself and they both took that love and took advantage of how much i loved them. they thought no matter how much i loved them they could use me and i would always come back. i hate and love them both.

goddamn this to much right now. i have to stop this entry bc i just cant right now!!!

FYI:

I am bi-Polar and can’t type as quick as my mind thinks. And I really fucking hate proof reading !! So I may jump around from thought to thought but eventually it will make sense. So brag something (your choice) to hype you up so you can keep up. And bring tissues.

Continue reading at your own discretion.

I’m not sure when I started this blog. Before or after Co-vid. Co-Vid almost killed me, not literally, emotionally. After 7 years in a manipulative relationship I just kicked him to the curb. Sent him on vaca and moved all his stuff into the carport and told him to come and get it. Cruel, yes I know, but I knew he would manipulate me into letting him stay out of guilt. he wouldn’t have anywhere to go unless forced. he would’ve stayed and and not looked. i just put up with his laziness, insecurity, aggression, lying (he was chatting with women during Covid quarantine on Insta) then lying to me about it. He told me i was the BIGGEST woman he had ever dated, My boobs were to saggy, i was to emotional, kept track of my eating, not wanting to work, everyone else was wrong and he was always the victim. That is one thing i dont play, the victim. I feel sorry for myself occasionally but try to stay positive for everyone. During this time my support emotions were bled dry. i didn’t have anymore to give anyone else especially myself. I was done. Once alone and in my newly renovated house (which happened during quarantine after afterwards) i wasn’t lonely for the first year. And proud of it bc everyone (including my long time therapist) didn’t believe i would make it. SB: it is funny how you can do something you never thought you could when you are put in a situation that calls for ‘self preservation’. After the first year loneliness started. not for him but just for human contact on a regular basis. omg, a whole new area of therapy began. a couple of things i am learning is: its ok to be unhappy, lonely, unknowing of the future (ie controlling my future) and how to be alone with myself. SB: there is no one to blame for bad decisions, mistakes or problems when its just me. talk about accepting responsibilities for your actions. Then you enter a whole new realm of realization of yourself. You have to face yourself. learn to accept your flaws. it fucking sucks! its scary! its sad! its eye opening! its funny! its sad! i fucking hate it. i constantly felt out of control which i dont like AT ALL !!!!

Ive always said that you feel on top of the world like you ‘GOT THIS’ so to speak and feeling pretty sure of yourself then comes along our higher power and pulls the ladder out from under us. We crash to the ground. we are humbled and start the climb all over again. I honestly think that is the way it will be for the rest of my life and it should be. its like learning something every time. which makes us human and humble.

read this page first / disclosure

If any of my blogs that u r reading upset or offend u, to fucking bad. Don’t read them. This is my space, not urs…. (so Fuck Off)

I didn’t create my blog for anyone but myself so I can unload the shit in my head. If I get it out there, wherever there is, it is not in my head.

Some fun and disturbing facts about myself: my fav word is FUCK. it will appear many times and in different forms I have made up. I will use slang, inappropriate words, many many misspelled words (I hate to proof read when I am on a roll), politically incorrect phrases, etc.

I am bipolar so for those unfamiliar, my mind races and I can not type as fast as it thinks or changes subjects or does a quick jaunt back to a different moment. I will usually explain this sudden jaunt by using SB: (meaning I am taking a side bar to jump around to explain something else pertaining to the story). Good thing is if you hang on long enough and can keep up with names, places and references – I usually circle back around to the original thought (most of the time).

My blog will be sad, funny, thought provoking and more than likely confusing. To say the least it will be interesting for you and I.

The names I use will be changed to protect the innocent, more importantly to protect the GUILTY !